


Bandage on the wound, and payback in kind

by Offbrand_Valk



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Cyberpunk, Alternate Universe - Mr. & Mrs. Smith Fusion, Alternate Universe - Post-Apocalypse, Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, Christmas Fluff, Drabble Collection, F/F, Fighting and making up, Fluff, Kid Fic, Natasha gets turned into a kitten at one point, Role Reversal, Slavery, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, friends (with benefits) to lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2018-09-17 02:16:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 18,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9299702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Offbrand_Valk/pseuds/Offbrand_Valk
Summary: A collection of blackhill 1-shots and drabbles, some are based on prompts, others are just ramblings based on an idea i got.Most but not all have happy ending.





	1. A romantic tragedy

**Author's Note:**

> The first stack of fics will be uploaded more or less randomly (aka. in the order i find them hidden around my harddisk), so writing quality will like vary as newer and older fics come up. - Oh and also, most of them aren't proof/beta read due to their shortness, and my laziness.
> 
> First up is a pile of fluff i finished today as a means to get over a writers block. hope you enjoy

“Romanoff?”

 

Maria’s work phone was blowing up 24/7, so much so that she had considered getting a second work phone, just to give the first one the chance to charge for a few minutes once in a while.

Her personal cell was another story, she got maybe one call on it a week, and half of those were people trying to reach a shawarma place in downtown.

So when her “it’s complicated” Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow called, she allowed herself to take it, even though she really needed to have her reports finished in an hour.

 

“That’s me.” Came the cheery and tired voice through the phone.

“What can I do for you?” Maria knitted her brow ever so slightly, it wasn’t that they had agreed not to disturb each other during work or anything. It hadn’t been a part of their relationship so far, then again they had deliberately left their relationship largely undefined.

“Nothing I just felt like hearing your voice... I hope that’s okay?” There was a vulnerability in Natasha’s voice, that while not necessarily rare, was usually faked.

Maria closed the door to her office before she answered. “Of course it is. Anything you want to talk about?”

“No, no. It’s fine thanks for indulging me. I’ll take a nap now, don’t worry I’m home and unharmed.” Whether Natasha was embarrassed about calling, or if that was just the amount of social interaction she needed, Maria couldn’t tell.

 

What she did know, was that she wasn’t adverse to getting more of those calls.

 

On a whim she sent Natasha a text before getting back to work. If she knew Natasha (and no-one really did) she probably fell asleep the moment she hit end call. Maria didn’t mind, it wasn’t life or death whether her “it’s complicated” got it in time.

<Hey Nat, I was thinking of taking the evening off. How would you feel about me coming by and having a night in?>

 

6 minutes later Maria got a text back (not that she had been waiting or anything).

<Sure, would you mind picking up some groceries along the way, I’m in the mood for cooking with you.>

 

That was how their relationship had begun a couple of years ago. Maria was hungry after an op, Natasha was hungry after an op, neither of them felt like take-away.

So They had gone back to Maria’s place, and made Steak with potatoes and whiskey sauce, and a spinach salad on the side.

It was relaxing, neither of them had expected it to be but it was.

The next week they met again and tried something more complex, shrimp and fish potstickers, they did all the mincing by hand, and it took them 40 tries to make 1 that looked just right, but they had fun.

 They didn’t keep a schedule, Maria’s life was too busy and Natasha’s too chaotic.

Then one time Maria burned the rice, so they ordered takeaway, and watched something off Netflix’s “trending now” list.

Eventually it became cuddling, then more than cuddling, and finally a loose agreement on what their relationship was.

That was the way it had been for 8 months.

 

* * *

 

“You didn’t specify what you wanted to cook, and I’m always in the mood for lasagna, hope you don’t mind.” Was Maria’s first word as she came into Natasha’s apartment.

Liho, who was usually fond of Maria, seemed taken aback that she would dare interrupt her and her owners cuddle time.

As she peeled herself off the couch, the Black Widow sent her an affirmative smile.

 

They worked in comfortable silence, no music or anything, just the melodic sound of chopping and frying, neither of them really liked small talk.

At least Maria thought it was comfortable, Natasha didn’t send any signal she didn’t want seen.

 

The little black demon Romanoff called her cat, was sitting patiently at the other end of the table. Seeing as Natasha herself tended to treat tables as needlessly roundabout chairs most of the time, she hadn’t seen the reason to teach Liho differently.

A lot of people teased Clint and Maria for being scared of Liho, A lot of people hadn’t seen Liho tear out the eyes of a South African mercenary either.

Maria thought it best for her health that she fed Liho a bit of the cheese, when the cat begun sniffing it experimentally.

 

When they sat down to eat Maria couldn’t shake the feeling there was something off about Natasha’s behavior. It was deliberate, of that Hill was certain, but usually Romanoff wouldn’t bother with hints.

“I’m going to go out on a limb here and say there’s something you want to talk about.” Hill finally asked.

Romanoff locked eyes with her, in that special way Maria knew meant she was thinking.

“I’m not sure whether I want to talk about it yet.” She said before shoving a huge mouthful of lasagna into her mouth.

Hill just shrugged in reply. “Okay, so long as you don’t worry about ruining our relationship. Remember, it’s whatever we need it to be, that was what we agreed on.”

 

After they’d thrown the dishes into the machine, they got comfortable on the couch. Natasha was in the middle of a show called “The 100”, which sounded a bit too young adult for Maria’s taste.

Romanoff told her it had a queer brunette character bearing the title commander, so it couldn’t be all bad.

 They hadn’t decided whether they were going to have sex, cuddle, or if Hill was just going to sleep in the guest room yet. The mood wasn’t really settled for anything yet.

 

“There’s not a lot of us left anymore... Red Room graduates I mean, and I’m by far the most well-adjusted of us all, and isn’t that a sad thought.” Came Natasha’s self-deprecating voice from the other end of the couch.

That could mean a lot of things, so Hill took a stab in the dark and assumed she’d be corrected if she was wrong. “Are you afraid of dying? Is that it?” Maria wanted to add some sort of assurance, she didn’t Natasha knew better than most, that normal people feared death.

“No, nothing like that... Just, I have something none of the other graduates have, and I’m afraid of letting it go to waste.” Was that, embarrassment in Romanoff’s voice?

“Are you talking about us?” She couldn’t quite help the confusion slipping into her voice, she hadn’t expected Romanoff of all people to ever want a more dedicated relationship.

“Yes, though I haven’t figured out what it is I want.” Came the Black Widow’s slightly breathless answer.

 

They got back to watching netflix, and didn’t speak for almost 2 hours.

They did eventually move closer, and Liho found a spot squished in between them, where she purred contently.

 

Then Maria’s hand began straying down Natasha’s leg, and Natasha’s hand began caressing Maria’s neck.

Liho did not approve...

 

* * *

 

 

They woke up early next morning, Hill had half a mind to go for a jog, and half a mind to go for round.

Natasha was in an odd mood.

 

Maria noticed it almost immediately, the redhead maintained a point of contact at all times.

When Maria scooted over to check her phone on the nightstand, Natasha scooted with her. When she sat up to look for her shirt, she found Natasha’s head resting on her shoulders. And when she climbed out of bed to grab it, Natasha was holding on tight to her other hand.

 

“I’ve found out what I want you to be.” Natasha whispered in a voice somewhere between drowsy and seductively husky.

“And what’s that?” Maria asked, leaning backwards into the Black Widow’s touch.

Natasha hummed in approval as Maria caressed her hair. The angle was awkward because of the height, and Natasha was half tempted to climb unto Hill’s back to allow her easier access.

“Mine.” Came the simple reply, spoken with so much lust Maria grew weak in the knees for a hot second.

“Well it’s your house, you know better than I where you keep the handcuffs.” She teased while running her hands across her smaller girlfriend(?).

Which made Romanoff bite down on her ear, hard. “Not like that you egg!” She scolded, then hurriedly added “well not just like that.”

 

Sensing the change in mood, Natasha had been trying to avoid, Maria turned around, and took her hands in her own.

“So what do you mean by yours then?”

 

Romanoff steeled herself, deep breath in, deep breath out.

“Everything. I want to wake up with you every time I’m home, I want to miss you when I’m away. And I want to force you and Liho to get along, and call you my girlfriend, and have you complain about my injuries... And I want to stop worrying that you will leave me for someone better, but I think that’s going to take a while.”

Hill initiated the kiss, Natasha deepened it.

Never breaking the lip-lock, Natasha with slow sensuality climbed Maria until her head was above the brunettes.

Then using a bit of Black Widow magic she tumbled both of them back into bed.

 

A sound like a choir of angels filled Natasha’s ears. Maria was laughing, not the boyish chuckle she gave when she was with her fellow agents or avengers, a genuine, light, display of happiness laughter.

“I love you Natasha Romanoff!”

“I take it that’s a yes to our change in agreement.”

“Yes I want to be your girlfriend.”

“I never said that.”

“Well sucks, cause now you’re stuck with it.”

 

They kissed an groped for a few minutes, before Hill got a serious expression on her face. The effect was somewhat lessened by her tussled hair and the shine in her eyes.

“What?” Natasha asked contemplating the easiest way to get Maria out of her underwear without her noticing.

“Do you want to make it official?” She replied, as her hands were making their way under Natasha’s nightshirt.

“Nah, I need to keep up an air of mystery around the boys.” Natasha explained before bowing down and kissing that spot on Maria’s neck that always made her shiver.

 

Maria was a whole 7 minutes late for work that day.


	2. The Rokossoffs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next up is a kid fic, told from the perspective of Helen, the most suburban mom to ever join a PTA.
> 
> The names Yelena and Ava, are references to 2 other Red Room students, Yelena Belova (Pale Widow), and Ava Orlova (Red Widow). Whether the kids are biologically theirs, or rescued from the Red Room is for you to decide.

Helen knew the kid was trouble the moment she saw her. Red hair, an army style backpack, a bandaid on 1 knee, and a black hoodie! Someone let their 7 year old daughter wear a hoodie! There was no way Helen would let her sweet little Katelynn, associate with those kinds of bad people.

  


Helen started looking for the poor girl’s mother to give her, a piece of her mind. Except the girl hadn’t come with her mom, she was being led by another girl in her early teens, who looked like even worse news! The girl, probably an older sister, had platinum blonde hair, ripped jeans, and a black t-shirt with a spider motive on it. What kind of mother let their kid go to their first day of school alone?

  


When Helen picked Katelynn and Holden up from class, she made sure to check up on the dangerous red headed girl. Katelynn had done as she had been told and steered clear of her, even when they had been put in a group together. In the naming round however, Katelynn had found out, that the girl was named Ava.

  


After talking to Jennifer and Carol from the mother group, she discovered that Ava was the youngest daughter of the Rokossoff’s, who recently moved into a house on Begonia lane. There were actual Russians living in their neighborhood, and their children were going to school along side them! There had to be some sort of law against that!

  


The Rokossoff mother was a woman named Natasha, who looked annoyingly young, and fit for a mother of 2. Never a red hair out of place on top of her perfectly heart shaped face, and somehow always 2 steps ahead of the fashion magazines. When she went for her evening runs (not jogs, honest to god runs!), she did it in tight-fitting yoga pants, that turned the heads of all their husbands. If she wasn’t a communist plot to take over America, Helen didn’t know what she was.

  


The Rokossoff husband had never been seen, leading to the mean spirited rumor that Natasha was a single mom (which Helen of course was much too good to listen to). There was one man who looked a few years older than Natasha, who she seemed very comfortable with. But then he brought 3 children and a wife along the first weekend after they’d moved in. Helen guessed it was her brother.

  


Natasha Rokossoff also had a friend who helped take care of her daughters. It was a woman, around Natasha’s age, who seemed to sleep over more nights than not, and came it at odd hours. Helen felt sorry for the woman, she was too busy with her career to have a family of her own. Giving up her job at the insurance office, to raise her children, was the best choice Helen had ever made.

  


* * *

 

  


2 weeks after Katelynn started primary school, the time had come for the first class sleepover. Helen had tried to find an excuse to not let Ava come along, but Katelynn told her that many of the girls really liked the devious little redhead.

  


When the big night came, Ava was the first to show. She was being led there by her mom’s brunette friend, who was wearing cargo pants, army boots, and chatting in Russian with the little girl. When they reached the door, where Helen and her husband was waiting for them. The woman smiled broadly as she shook both their hands. “Hey, I don’t believe we’ve met, I’m Maria. Such a good idea to do this, really going to help build team spirit in the class, by all means tell me if there’s anything I can do to help.”

  


They walked into the kitchen together, while Ava carried her sleeping supplies in her army bag, to the living room. Helen’s husband retreated into the garage, while Helen poured both of them red wine. “It’s the least we could do really, let the parents get some time away from the kids.” She could hear Ava and Katelynn joking with each other from the next room.

  


In hindsight the sleepover had been a mistake. Ava and Katelynn were now inseparable, every second day the Rokossoff daughter came by (there was no way Helen let her sweet innocent Katelynn into a Russian household). Ava was an active child, fencing, basketball, taekwondo, archery, even rugby, and now Katelynnn wanted to pickup all those weird sports too!

  


Helen spotted Natasha the next week when she was out grocery shopping. She tried her best to keep her head down, when she heard the words “mamin hvostik” in the next aisle. Helen didn’t actually know what the words mean, only that Natasha use it to refer to her oldest.

  


Her plan failed when Natasha, caught her eyes. The red head started walking towards her, blonde daughter following perfectly in her steps. “Hey Helen, how’s it going?” Helen put on her best fake smile, and greeted the Russian. To Helen’s big regret Natasha knew enough about American culture that they now had to make small talk. “I feel so bad about the girls always having to stay at your place, I know me and Maria aren’t the best at keeping regular hours, but if 1 of us are home, we’re always ready to host.” Helen did her best to shut Natasha down, but she wasn’t dissuaded. “Ava also tells me that Katelynn wants to try her hand at rugby. I wouldn’t mind bringing her along for Ava’s practice.” Helen decided to allow it, if and only if, Katelynn came straight back afterward.

  


Rugby wasn’t a good sport for a young girl to pick up in Helen’s opinion. But allowing it saved her having to listen to so much of Katelynn’s whining, which in turn saved her money she’d otherwise have to spend on Lexapro and wine.

  


* * *

 

  


After 3 months, Helen still didn’t trust the Rokossoff’s, how could she trust a mom who didn’t show up at PTA meetings. What more, she was now sure Natasha didn’t have a husband. How could she ever expect to raise healthy children like that?

  


Helen was running out of options, her and her husband had been planning their trip to the theater for months, and now when the day had almost come, all their usual babysitters had turned them down. Holden was taken care of, sure he said he didn’t get along with Miller, but he was such a nice kid, and Helen knew Carol wouldn’t let them stay up late and play videogames.

  


She had for a moment almost considered asking Ava’s older sister (what was her name again? Helena? no that wasn’t it) to babysit, but even worse than letting her child into a Russian household, would be letting that punk rock brat run amok in _her_ home. So that Friday after school, Katelynn would finally get to go to Ava’s house.

  


When she came home Sunday morning, Katelynn was over the moon. Helen would have to have a talk about appropriate subjects for an 8 year old girl with Maria, because firearm safety certain wasn’t. At least Ava’s mom had, had the good sense to also teach her some cooking. It wasn’t even some strange Russian poison, just brownies and seafood casserole.

  


Had Helen been more attentive, she might have remembered that Katelynn used to claim she would never ever in a million years like fish, whilst after that weekend she seemed to be more or less constantly craving salmon. That was of course all moot, since Helen herself only ate fish once in a blue moon, when 1 of her magazines proclaimed it a “superfood” and “the key to a slim figure and a stress free life”.

  


PTA brunches were the highlight of Helen’s month. She had at long last talked Ava into making her mom promise to come. She was sure Natasha would enjoy herself once she got there, how could she not enjoy spending time with other moms?

  


Except Natasha hadn’t shown, instead she had sent her friend Maria. Helen marched up to her, to explain why she wasn’t welcome. “I’m sorry, but I think there must have been a misunderstanding, this brunch is only for the kids and their parents.” Maria blinked in confusion while she continued taking off her jacket. “No mistake then, Ava over there is mine.” Now it was Helen’s turn to blink in confusion. “Oh, I thought Natasha was her mother.” Maria shrugged unaffected as she walked further into the house. “She is, oh and she told me to tell you she was sorry she couldn’t come, Yelena has her first commercial ballet performance tonight, so one of us has to be with her beforehand to calm her nerves.” While the brunette spoke, she poured some of the vodka for the cosmopolitans into one of the glasses for juice and began sipping. Helen didn’t understand a thing. “But you just said Ava was your child?”

  


Katelynn chose that moment to stick her head into the kitchen and loudly exclaim. “Oh my god mom, it’s the 2016! Ava’s has 2 moms and no dad. Maria and Natasha are gay, jeez drama queen much!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Continued in chapter 12: Maria Rokossoff knows](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9299702/chapters/24318513)


	3. Do you suppose we're a couple?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quite possibly the first Blackhill fic I ever wrote, well truth be told it's really more of a drabble, that came after a week spend doing nothing but reading ALL OF THE BLACKHILL

”Hill?”

 

”Uh huh.”

 

”Do you suppose we’re a couple.”

 

Hill straightened her back slightly, and looked up from her historical fiction novel, to her roommate idly juggling a tennis-ball. “What makes you say that?”

 

Using her training to hide her feelings on the matter, the superspy explained her thoughts. “Well, last night one of those ‘we’re-the-last-ones-to-realize-we’re-in-love’ type romcoms came on while I was filling out reports, and it got me thinking.”

 

The assistant director took a moment to consider the proposition. “I see your point, do you want to be a couple?” That was one of the things Natasha liked about Hill, she got straight to the heart of the issue.

 

“I’m not opposed to the idea, what about you?”

 

To say Natasha felt anxious about Maria’s answer would be a bold faced lie. It was more… curiosity? She knew she was attractive, and as much as Hill tried to hide it, she knew the brunette had at least entertained the notion of them having sex. But considering sex, and starting a relationship were 2 completely different things, and normally when the Black Widow began a “relationship” she had a lot more control of the other participant.

 

“Sure, lets see what happens.” With that Maria picked up her mug, and sat down next to her first girlfriend in 8 years.

 

Natasha leaned forward, and placed a gentle kiss on the lips of her first _true_ significant other.

 

Maria got a silly smile on her face, the likes of which the redhead had never imagined her capable of.

 

“So, is this the part where we plan our first date.” Maria asked after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

 

Natasha wanted to make a flirtatious comment about how this was the part where they moved into Maria’s bedroom, and didn’t come out until Monday, but the more she thought about it, Maria’s idea actually sounded more appealing.

 

“Yes, I think I’d like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are very much appreciated, and feel free to come by my tumblr (http://offbrand-valk.tumblr.com/) and yell at me.


	4. 3 for 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3 drabbles all written in the span of a single sleepless night, and based on prompts thrown at my tumblr (written in bold), you can definitely feel my sanity starting to slip at the end.

**Natasha and Maria having to do PR and being asked all those silly interview questions you see in the movie promos**

 

Seeing Maria Hill dumbstruck was a rarity on the level of Hailey’s comet. Though to be fair first contact was literally days ago, and that had been an exceedingly stupid question.

 

“Who are you wearing.” The talk show host had asked, like they were the 2 leading ladies of a summer blockbuster, not representatives of the worlds largest intelligence agency. Clearly having to stop herself from chewing the man in the plain yet expensive suit out, Maria answered. “I have no idea Felix, I found it in a storage closet in the basement of the Triskellion.”

 

Natasha couldn’t help but be a little impressed at her “not-quite,-and-certainly-not-official” girlfriend. Maria had charisma, that was a well demonstrated the fact, but the skill with which she turned the potential embarrassment into fun for all the family, that was both impressive and unexpected.

 

The whole idea had seemed silly when it had first been suggested. Press conferences were too impersonal, it would be good for the avengers initiative, and by extension S.H.I.E.L.D. as a whole to have a more personal “meeting” with the public. Hence an appearance on a prime time talk show had been organized.

 

Hill had originally wanted to send Steve and a senior spokesperson, but after a bit of planning back and forth, it had been decided she would go herself. Then, having consulted with Steve, she was forced to realize that he was just too honest and kind for prime time television. Stark had volunteered to take his place, but the way Maria saw it, even the Hulk was a better alternative.

 

Natasha was a professional, and spending half an hour courteously chuckling whenever an overactive TV personality made a joke, was hardly the most humiliating thing she had done in the line of duty. It still dragged on her nerves.

 

After another 8000 or so utterly meaningless questions, they could finally leave. It had probably gone about as well as expected, they had looked friendly, heroic, and completely in control. Which was exactly what Mr. and Mrs. Jones, sitting at home with their 2,3 kids.

 

Then they had a glass vodka in Natasha’s apartment, Maria looked adorable explaining their terrible night to Liho. They only barely managed to drag themselves to bed. The black widow was infinitely thankful that her SO could pull string so she wouldn’t have to meet before 11 the next morning.

* * *

**Thor accidentally turns Natasha into a beautiful cat. Natasha uses the opportunity to ingratiate herself into Maria’s space to spy on her because Nat is terrible at confessing her feelings without proof that they’re reciprocated. Cue scenes of Maria snuggling up to kitty!natasha and sharing her pining.**

 

This was her life now, Natasha Romanoff the world’s deadliest assassin had been turned into a kitten, by a norse god, and it didn’t even phase her any more.  
  
Not even a fully grown cat mind you, but a teeny tiny black kitten with an adorable white spot on her nose. Said Norse god had since hurried off back to their home dimension looking for a way to reverse the change. But who knew how long time that would take.

 

Of course Natasha was good enough at non-verbal communication that she could no doubt find a way to explain her predicament to the rest of the team. Before she did that however, she felt obligated to go shed in Clint’s wardrobe, as revenge for _the shampoo incident_.

 

While crawling through the air vents on her way to Clint’s room, she saw Maria Hill passing by in the hallway, and she got an idea.

 

Let it never be said that the Black Widow wasn’t connected to her emotion, but the assistant director had a sort of presence that really got to her. Maria was intimidating, but in a good, slightly sexy way. She was authoritative, without being tyrannical. She cared deeply for everyone under her command, but never minced words, and wasn’t afraid to call people on their shit. And Natasha had absolutely no chance with her.

 

It was a curious feeling, Natasha had never given up on a mark, and that was the problem. Maria wasn’t a mark, she was a friend, and seduction wasn’t a means, it was an end.

 

Natasha Romanoff the kitten, began following Hill, first through the air vent, then she dropped down and stalked after her in a very obvious fashion. The mission would be a bust if Maria realized there was more to the kitten following her, than just an uncanny ability to discern the best human to ingratiate yourself to.

 

“Where did you come from darling?” Natasha couldn’t help the cutesy mewl, that escaped her cat mouth in response in response to Maria’s lovey dovey tone. Maria picked her off the floor, and Natasha had to force herself to make a small hiss, so as to not break character.

 

When Natasha had thought about Maria carrying her into the commander’s combination office and bedroom, she most certainly hadn’t expected it to be like that. Though settling down on the couch for some petting had certainly been involved. The Russian superspy purred like there was no tomorrow, only stopping when Maria began inspecting her ears.

 

That was a problem! Natasha was fairly certain her ears hadn’t been marked during her transformation, that would affect Maria’s view of her, and her character would be much better of if Maria didn’t think she was a feral. So Natasha resorted to her weapon of choice, her charm, and began rubbing her head against Maria’s chin.

 

“Quite touchy for a wildcat aren’t you?” The plan had failed, Maria was unto her, perhaps she could still salvage it. Maria was still scratching her belly, and she was sitting comfortably between Maria’s sportsbra clad boobs.

 

“Maybe this is one of Barton’s pranks, I better call him up and yell at him just to be sure.” The brunette mused, causing the kitten to attempt to tell her not to get sidetracked from the belly-scratching, via a series of angry hisses.

 

“Don’t want me to let go huh? Don’t worry babe, I’m not leaving you, I just need to figure out where you came from.” Natasha desperately needed Maria to call her babe more often.

 

Her intel gathering mission, pertaining to Hil’s feelings about her had been indefinitely postponed. Could you blame her, when Maria was practically showering her with love and affection, on a scale Natasha didn’t even think Maria capable off.

 

Maria was absentmindedly reading a report a couple of hours later. Having failed to find the origin of the mysterious kitten, it was now resting on her chest. All of a sudden, Thor burst through the swinging around what looked like an enormous mechanical crow by the tailfeathers.

 

“Lady Widow! I have found a cure for the völva curse!” Without further ado he aimed the “beak” straight at the kitten on Maria’s chest, and pulled a lever on the underside of the “crow”. There was a flash of light, and suddenly she had a surprisingly heavy Natasha Romanoff lying directly on top of her.

 

“We should talk.” Maria told the slightly flustered superspy. Natasha replied by vanishing into thin air, leaving a hurried ‘nope’ dangling in the space her face had occupied mere moments ago.

 

* * *

 

**on some days maria wondered what i would be like to have a job where sentences like "we're being abducted by aliens" meant more than just another tuesday .**

 

Of course Maria wouldn’t trade her current life for the world. It was stressful, unrewarding, and involved the very real possibility of her dying. It would be wrong to say Maria enjoyed it, rather, she knew that the world would be worse off if someone else had to do her job, and that mattered to her.

 

That didn’t mean she couldn’t indulge herself. She had recently sat through a lecture on multiverse theory (no such thing as too prepared), and now that commander Hill found herself reading through field reports in the early hours of morning, she found herself wondering: What would life be like in a reality where she had a normal job.

 

What would it be like to live in a reality, where a stressful day meant staying for another hour or 2, not a body-count measured in the 100’s.

 

It was an interesting thought, Maria Hill, the somewhat bitchy middle manager. That Maria was definitely a more private person than she was. She would never be the type to annoy anyone in range with every minute detail of her weekend, but without her time in the military she couldn’t even imagine to begin how closed off she would have become.

 

It would have been a small wonder that manager Hill even met her girlfriend. Natasha Romanoff would be a Russian expat, and stunt-woman. Their life’s would have been different, though not enough for a romcom. They were just 2 woman who happened to have compatible personalities and had gone from there.

 

This Maria would be spared a lot of worries the real Maria had to deal with it. She could consider adopting, she could call in sick, she could go to work, knowing that the worst thing that would happen if she messed up, was that the company’s bottom-line for that quarter became a tiny bit smaller.

 

It was 4:30 in the morning, Maria’s coffee had grown cold, so she got up and prepared herself for the long walk down the empty hallway to the coffee machine. Only to have a Russian assassin climb unto her back and start gnawing at her ear. “You were moping.” She said, as if that explained how the black widow what the black widow was doing there. No Maria certainly wouldn’t trade this life for anything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are very much appreciated, and feel free to come by my tumblr (http://offbrand-valk.tumblr.com/) and yell at me.


	5. Christmas fluff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did somebody say Blackhill christmas fluff?
> 
> Also, for those wondering why the 7th of january not 25th of december, its because that's when Russian orthodox (and most eastern european people in general) celebrate Christmas, and while i don't think Nat is particularly religious, we know from the comics that she still identifies with her Russian/Ukrainian heritage.

This had been a mistake.

 

Coulson was always on her case about using some of her up leave. The 6th and 7th of January seemed like as good a time as any to take it. Except all it had done was remind her of how little a life she had outside of work.

 

Natasha had slept in, cleaned her apartment from top to bottom, spoiled Liho rotten, gone to church, and cooked dinner. She still had 36 hours left until she could get back to work. Was she really going to spend them marathoning Christmas movies on the couch?

 

Her guns and knives were still embarrassingly clean, just like they were an hour ago when she last checked them.

 

Christmas was overrated.

 

Just as she was reaching the end of “Carol” there was a knock on her door. Natasha hoped it was assassins, she could really go for an attempt on her life.

 

She was left disappointed, it was just Maria.

 

Maria wasn’t bad, Natasha liked Maria, she was one of the few people she didn’t have to _pretend_ to like, but why was she at her apartment on Christmas eve? Besides, Natasha was pretty sure Maria celebrated in December.

 

“Hey, I heard Coulson forced you to take Christmas off, and I figured I’d come by to offer my sympathies.” It suddenly occurred to Natasha that this  was the first time she’d seen Maria out of her uniform. She looked about the same, except with a conservative splash of color in the form of a scarf in earth tones.

 

“Wine? I’m surprised Hill I’d expected vodka.” Natasha opened the door fully, leaving the choice up to Hill if she wanted to come in, or get on with her day. They sometimes talked at work, when there was a pause in their world saving long enough to utter a sentence. The Black widow considered them friends, but hadn’t been sure if the assistant director felt the same way. Until she accepted the invitation to enter Natasha’s appartment.

 

“Oh please, it was Fury’s Christmas present for me, I’m not going to drink it so I’m passing it along.” Natasha hung up Hill’s coat while Liho and her guest were cautiously inspecting each other. Miraculously they both passed the other’s high standards.

 

Most people would have been angry about getting a “recycled” present. Natasha Romanoff on the other hand found it incredibly thoughtful. As the world’s greatest spy, anyone studying her wants and needs made her uncomfortable, especially when they got things right.

 

They had to squeeze a little bit to both fit on the couch, since Liho was not giving up an inch of her end. “How did you know I wouldn’t be off celebrating somewhere?” The red head asked teasingly, knowing full well how Maria knew. Because neither of them had the time and desire to make friends.

 

“Call it a lucky guess.” It wasn’t often anyone got the chance to see Maria Hill smile, this was one of those rare occasions. It had a unique charm to it, it was broad, and dorky, and didn’t look entirely right on the her perpetually disapproving face, but in a good way. Natasha had spent a long time studying that smile.

 

Another thing Natasha really liked about Maria, was that she understood the value of silence. People were usually so obsessed with talking, it was obscene. Not Hill though, after they’d gotten the pleasantries out of the way, she could just sit still on the couch next to her and watch Hallmark movies without saying a word.

 

 When Hill came back from the kitchen with coffee made just the way she liked it (black and with the consistency of tar), Romanoff had a thought. The more she thought about it, the more it stuck.

 

Eventually she decided she might as well go for it. “Hey Hill can I run something by you?”  Of course the brunette didn’t mind. Natasha wasn’t anxious, she knew that her friend wasn’t going to let it ruin their friendship. “Can I kiss you?” Turns out she was a little anxious, at least based on the  slight quiver in  her voice.

 

Maria knitted her brow, questioningly before shrugging. “Sure.” Natasha leaned in slowly, before she got all the way Maria stopped her with a finger on her lips. “But just so we’re clear, is this romantic, or you just wanting to know how it feels?”

 

“Wanting to know how it feels.”

 

It felt good.

 

By god it felt good .

 

It had started as a chaste peck on the lips. For just a second Natasha was about to pull back. Then they both deepened the kiss at the same. Maria took hold of her shoulders, while Natasha placed her hands on Maria’s face.

 

She’d never understood why some of her marks had a fascination with trying to lick the entire inside of her mouth. Now she was busy trying to swallow Maria’s lips. Their tongues didn’t battle, they danced their way around each other.

 

Eventually they had to pull apart. They sat opposite each other, the television was still blaring in the background, neither of them willing to let go off the others hands for long enough to turn it down. Maria was a little embarrassed, Natasha was a little shocked.

 

Natasha bit her lip.

 

Maria smiled.

 

They both chuckled.

 

“So, that felt good.” The brunette said, stating the obvious. “Really good.” The red head added. “Do you want to maybe do more of this?” The brunette asked somewhere between curious and cautious.

 

“That depends, does _this_ include a relationship?” Natasha tried very hard to say it as herself, and not as the Black Widow. “Only if you want it to.”

 

She’d be damned, she got a girlfriend for Christmas. It seemed life imitates bad Hallmark Christmas movies after all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are very much appreciated, and feel free to come by my tumblr (http://offbrand-valk.tumblr.com/) and yell at me.


	6. Trouble in paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every couple argue, even someone as perfect for each other as Hill and Romanoff.

Maria and Natasha’s relationship was generally a happy one, they had their ups and downs, but which couple didn’t.

 

Still, when Maria went to bed in the evening after Natasha had stormed out of her appartment in rage, she hadn’t expected to wake up to her girlfriends nuzzled against her arm. She didn’t look like she had been crying, but Maria also knew better than to think Nat couldn’t hide that if she wanted to.

 

When Maria began to move, the redhead shot up, and sent Maria the deathglare of the century. ”Just for your information Hill, this changes nothing between us.” Feeling particularly spiteful the brunette just shrugged. ”I wasn’t the one who climbed into your bed.”

 

That was below the belt, and Maria knew it. Yes Natasha had her own apartment, but it didn’t feel like a home to her, it never had, it was just a glorified safehouse. ”I’m sorry I-” Natasha stopped her with a hand infront of her mouth. ”No, don’t be. This has nothing to do with us. Just because we’re not seeing eye to eye, doesn’t mean I’m going to give up on a good nights sleep for you.”

 

Maria had never been good at being bitchy, otherwise she would have pointed out how little sense that made. Instead she got out of bed like she did every morning and went for a run.

 

When she came back, Natasha was sitting on the kitchen table and drinking coffee, like she did every morning. Maria pointedly ignored her and went to take a shower.

 

When she got out of the shower, Natasha was still sitting at the table, and gazing towards the shower. ”It hurt you know.” Maria frowned. ”Didn’t mean it to.” Her tone was just a bit too close to the one she used a t work.

 

”And that makes it okay?

”What more do you want me to say? Sorry? There you go, I’m sorry.”

”I thought you understood Hil, I thought you respected me, and my work.”

 

Maria sat down on a chair, causing Natasha to follow suit. She reached out for the Black Widow’s hand, but she drew away. Maria spoke anyways.

 

”I do Nat, I love and respect you more than anything else in the world.”

”YOU CALLED ME A WHORE!”

”I did not!… I just, wasn’t thinking about what my words could mean.”

”You were supposed to be different Hill, you were supposed to accept what I do, to know that I hate it, but do it because I have to.”

 

Maria tried once more to reach out for girlfriend, this time she didn’t pull away, but she didn’t reciprocate either.

 

”Please don’t think I don’t care about you Natasha, whatever you do, don’t think that. It’s  because i care about you I said what I said. I know you’re suffering, and i hate that you’re suffering. I don’t want to lie to you, I never ever want to have to lie to you again.”

”And I never want to lie to you, or you to lie to me just…”

 

There was a shift in Natasha’s stance, which Maria knew meant she was trying to hide the pain away.

 

”Say you’re sorry one more time.”

 

Maria reached down and kissed the smaller womans forehead.

 

”I’m sorry babe, I’ll try to think before i speak next time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are very much appreciated, and feel free to come by my tumblr (http://offbrand-valk.tumblr.com/) and yell at me.


	7. In any given timeline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A cyberpunk AU!
> 
> Featuring AI!Maria, and Android!Natasha

“Natasha.” The tone was demanding, with a note of warning to it, the thief didn’t let it get to her. The redhead opened a cupboard and grabbed a half empty bottle of vodka and a glass.

 

“Natasha, you need to eat something.” The voice was growing more insistent, but Natasha ignored it. She was tired, and in pain, and just wanted to drink in peace. “I’ll do it when I feel better.” She grumbled into the empty room. “No you’ll do it now, or you’re going to fall asleep and bleed on the couch.” The voice answered from inside her head.

 

The oven turned on, and had Natasha not been picking bullets out of herself 20 minutes ago, she would have reacted better. “Would you calm down! I’m not going to bleed out on you, you know I’ve survived worse.” The oven didn’t turn off, so Natasha stayed seated and loudly slurped her vodka out of the bottle. “We Natasha. We have survived worse, and I know. But I also worry about you, and I’m not saying that as your personal AI, I’m saying that as your girlfriend.”

 

It was a low blow, which Natasha knew meant she probably deserved it.  A military grade cyborg, and a combat AI weren’t supposed to have feelings, they weren’t supposed to do much of anything beside follow orders. They had gone rogue, 1 thing had led to another, and now Natasha was in love with an incredibly long string of 1’s and 0’s.

 

Natasha peeled herself of the couch, swearing up a storm as she did so. “Does it have to be from scratch?” She asked out into the room, while she began going through the fridge again. “No it’s fine as long as you eat something I’m happy.” Natasha imagined Maria smiling to her as she spoke.

 

If she focused a bit she could mentally communicate with Maria, which was very handy in the field, and in fact the only way they were trained to communicate with their AI’s back at SHIELDtek. In her home however, she preferred talking out loud, made it feel more domestic, even if Maria preferred to just talk to her through their connection.

 

They could go days without speaking with each other, small talk wasn’t exactly among the skills taught at a factory in Kaguya producing quasi-legal, biomechanical, warmachines. They enjoyed each others silent company, even if they existed on vastly different axes of reality.

 

Before the oven had even finished cooking however, Maria spoke again, this time with a sadness to her. “I’m sorry Nat, I got worried, and I hate that I can’t be there for you, cause if I could, I would have cooked for you, instead of just turned the oven on.” Natasha sighed, missions were always draining for both of them, while Maria couldn’t get hurt in the traditional sense. She instead had to contend with the stress of knowing that 1 day Natasha might die, and she would be powerless to do anything but watch from her position in cyberspace.

 

“Maria you are there for me, all the time. You plan my missions, help me maintain my chrome, hell you even make sure I get up in the morning. I don’t want you to think that you aren’t giving our love everything you can.” Natasha pointed a finger at the ceiling for good measure, technically it  would be more correct to point at her spinal implant if she wanted to mimic pointing at Maria, but this got the point better across.

 

“And that’s the problem Nat, I’m giving you all I can, but it’s not enough, you deserve to be held, and to be touched.” The oven finished with a low beep and the lasagna sprang out, Natasha let it rest for a bit to finish comforting her girlfriend. “Maria, you’re wrong, you’re the one who deserves more. You’re a brilliant mind who got stuck with a glorified catburglar, while she could be out there helping people in need. If I wanted to cuddle I would buy a cat, and if I need to be touched then you know I have a pair of perfectly fine hands.”

 

Natasha sat down and ate, they had both given each other stuff to think about, and they processed best in silence.

 

After Natasha had eaten, and cleaned up with Maria’s help (she was raised with Maria in her consciousness, they didn’t need to talk to do the dishes), she pulled out her toolbox. A stray shot had hit her wrist, it hadn’t done enough damage to hamper the hand’s usability, but Maria had told her to avoid using the built in widow-bites, just to be safe.

 

While she worked Maria holographically projected the relevant schematics in front of her. That gave Natasha an idea.

 

“Tell me if this is too sentimental, but would it be possible for you to holographically project, well you?” Natasha regretted saying it out loud as soon as the words had left her mouth. “I’m not sure I understand Natasha, I’m a virtual entity, I don’t have a physical form to project.” She felt silly for even suggesting it, but now the idea had taken root. “I know and I’m sorry, I just thought that, well you’d have some idea about how you would look as a human. Ignore I said anything.”

 

The redhead felt a slight heat in the small of her back, which she knew meant that Maria was processing at full speed. “I had, just never gotten a concrete image, give me a second.” She watched the second tick by on her retinal display, by a second Maria had apparently meant 11.

 

A woman appeared opposite her, she was somewhat transparent, and giving off the telltale blue-ish hue of a holographic projection, but she was the most beautiful woman Natasha had ever seen. She was tall and muscular, with an angular face, a piercing gaze, and slightly tan arms. The woman turned around on the spot, never breaking eye contact with Natasha. “Do you like it?” Natasha heard the speaker on her phone ask.

 

“I love it, you.” She said breathlessly.

 

The hologram walked over and wrapped her arms around Natasha, and placed an illusionary kiss against her forehead. A strand of brown ‘hair’ fell in front of Natasha’s face. “I thought you’d go for a pixie cut though.”

 

The holograms arm passed through Natasha’s shoulder, as Maria mimicked punching her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are very much appreciated, and feel free to come by my tumblr (http://offbrand-valk.tumblr.com/) and yell at me.


	8. Maria Petrova

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was genuinely surprised to learn that a role reversal AU hadn't yet been written, so i went ahead and rectified that. (probably one of the fics i'm most proud of, for better or worse)

Maria Kharitonovna Petrova looked infuriating as she was being led unto the deck of the helicarrier.

 

For years Leviathan’s last commander had been running circles around S.HI.E.L.D. dozens of good agents had lost their lives trying to bring down this last piece of Stalin’s regime. Now that Natasha and Clint had finally brought her in, they had no guarantee this wasn’t just another 1 of her schemes.

 

Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow (Christ she hated that nickname), S.H.I.E.L.D.’s best and brightest, couldn’t read Maria Petrova. She didn’t need to, to know she didn’t trust the commander. She had come too willingly, it didn’t make sense, a communist old guard like her would have gone down swinging, not just waved the white flag the moment she was cornered.

 

Petrova wasn’t telling them the whole story.

 

Natasha saw 2 possible explanations as to why top brass had decided to assign her as Petrova’s babysitter. Either they didn’t know the difference between an Illinoisian girl with Ukrainian ancestry and an actual Russian, or Fury was once again trying to get her to make friends. Considering S.H.I.E.L.D.’s track record, both seemed equally likely.

 

The cell they had given the ex-commander was big, almost the size of Natasha’s childhood home. Natasha had expected her to be pacing and or scheming, yet all Petrova had done since being left alone was sit completely motionless on the solitary chair.

 

For once Maria Kharitonovna Petrova looked out of her element. Natasha had personally chased the woman everywhere from the Tokyo nightlife, to a warzone on the Ivory Coast, and never seen her look anything but perfectly content and at home. Yet here she was, arms down her side, back stiff as a board, and dead eyes glazed over with a hint of worry. She didn’t even acknowledge Natasha as she walked into the room.

 

“you’re a hard woman to catch Petrova.” Natasha started out with small talk. If she was going to get information out of the Leviathan commander, she needed to get inside her head, and figure out what she was planning. “How can I help you agent Romanoff.” Petrova’s voice was strange, devoid of emotion and its usual commanding edge, like her entire personality was on standby.

 

“You can start out by telling me why you surrendered, it doesn’t fit your profile. What’s your angle?” Since  Maria was sitting on the only chair in the room, Natasha took the table, figuring it was softer than the bed. “I wanted to follow new masters.” Natasha laughed, it was absurd. “You expect me to believe that? That all of a sudden you’ve decided you want to work for S.H.I.E.L.D.? Even if you’re genuine, which I will let the record show I sincerely doubt, how do you expect this to work? That we will just hand you a badge and a service pistol? Let you look through all our secrets?”

 

For the first time since Natasha had caught her in a Peruvian ghetto 4 days ago, Maria looked at her. “I have red in my ledger.” So she had grown a consciousness, or at least pretended to, Natasha decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. “S.H.I.E.L.D. can’t be your redemption Maria.” Her parents had always taught Natasha (and her brother) that a harsh truth was better than a comforting lie, and it was an opinion she had taken to heart.

 

“There is no redemption for people like me agent Romanoff, I was raised for war. The only thing I can hope for now, is that my skills be used to make the world a better place.”

 

The Red Room was a legend, a myth, a rumor that had somehow made its way into S.H.I.E.L.D. databases. It was a scary thought no doubt. That monsters like Bolshoi and Somodorov would be put in charge of raising young girls into becoming perfect soldiers for the union. The information Maria Petrova provided them with, had once again proven S.H.I.E.L.D. woefully unaware about what their enemies had been doing.

 

Within months of commander Petrova’s defection to S.H.I.E.L.D., Leviathan was all but wiped out. Stalin’s best daughter had sold them out to capitalists.

 

Fury trusted Maria within an inch of his life, Natasha was less convinced, though they had gained something that one day might evolve into mutual trust, to Natasha’s eternal annoyance.

 

“Are you ready for tomorrow agent Petrova?” Natasha doubted the damage Maria had suffered would ever truly heal, at least she was progressing. Natasha knew the Russian didn’t feel empathy, but she was trying to _think_ empathy, which was close enough for Fury to let her consult. “I was made for this agent Romanoff, I am dying to look at some blueprints and plan the optimal route of attack.”

 

Maria had a strange black humor to her, which Natasha found more than a little charming. “Good to hear it. Don’t work yourself too hard okay? S.H.I.E.L.D. cares about your wellbeing.” Maria nodded her understanding with military precision.

 

They looked out on the skyline from the helicarrier in comfortable silence for a long time. “Agent Romanoff? May I ask your opinion on a personal matter?” Natasha understood why Maria only used formal military language, it was part of the reason Natasha always used a casual tone with her. “Of course Maria, It’s what friends are for.”  
  
Natasha made sure to catch Maria’s eyes while she spoke. “I’ve been thinking, I’m not sure I still am Maria Kharitonovna Petrova. Names are important, and I want the Red Room to know they don’t own me anymore. Does that seem silly to you?” Natasha took Maria’s hand in her own, they weren’t touchy friends, but this seemed like the right time. “Of course not, have you thought of a new name yet?

 

“How does Maria Hill sound?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are very much appreciated, and feel free to come by my tumblr (http://offbrand-valk.tumblr.com/) and yell at me.


	9. Holt and Rushman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somebody asked me on tumblr for a mr. and mrs. Smith AU for Blackhill, this was the result.

Over the last few years the red room had gradually allowed Natalia more freedom, to the point where she was now trusted to live on her own without supervision.

 

 

At first she hadn't cared much for these extra liberties (she suspected they were more due to budget cuts, than anything else). Then she met Mary.

 

 

Mary Holt, with her icy blue eyes, and patient smile. Love is for children they had told her, and until she met Mary she had believed them.

 

 

They had gotten married 6 weeks later. Natalia didn't care for taking things slow, she didn't think she would ever love again if she let Mary go.

 

 

Mary thought she was an IT specialist. Natalia couldn't tell her the truth, not only would Mary hate her, but the Red Room might find out about her, and take her out.

 

 

Maria hated lying to her wife. Every morning when she woke up she thought: “Today is the day i’m going to tell her.” Then she remembered that would mean keeping more secrets from Natalie. In the end it was easier to keep 1 big secret that a 1000 small ones. So she led the love of her life keep on believing she was a security consultant.

 

 

They had been hunting the Black Widow since before Maria joined the agency, and last night, while Maria was at home catching up on Orange is the New Black with her wife, they had made a breakthrough.

 

 

A field agent had gotten a clear picture of her face. It had cost the agent her life, but she had managed to upload it to S.H.I.E.L.D. databases beforehand. To say Maria was excited to catch that bitch would be an understatement.

 

 

“Is this supposed to be some kind of Joke?” Commander Hill asked, while glaring ominously. “I can assure you it is not Hill.” Phil Coulson replied, it was one of his agents that had lost her life getting them that picture.

 

 

“That is not the Black Widow, Coulson. That's Natalie Rushman, she’s an IT specialist from Pittsburg.” Phil looked from the picture of the redhead with dead eyes, to his commanding officer, who looked just about ready to tear the head off someone.

 

 

“How do we know that identity isn't a cover?” Some junior officer who was about to to lose his clearance level asked. “Because I have been married to Natalie Rushman for the last 4 years of my life.”

 

 

 

Natalia had been given her next mark: Commander Maria Hill, 1 of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s most highly decorated officers.

 

 

Recently she had begun taking files home with her, Mary worked long hours, many nights staying until 8 or 9 if not longer, so the the house was mostly empty except for their cat.

 

 

Every other agency in the world placed a small picture of the person’s face at the start of a file. For some reason no one still alive understood, Leviathan instead placed a full sized picture of the mark as the very last page in the folder.

 

 

Hill as it seemed would not be an easy target.  Combat trained, experienced marksman, master of 3 different martial arts. Nothing she couldn't deal with though. Gay, that might give her an angle (even if she hated having to cheat on Mary), happily married, well they would see about that.

 

 

 

 

There had to have been some kind of mistake. The woman on the picture looked just like her Mary, except instead of jeans and a flannel shirt, she was wearing a standard issue S.H.I.E.L.D. uniform. Natalia had never gone through her wife’s belongings before without explicit permission to do so. She trusted Mary, she had to, how else could she love her?

 

Mary Holt was a cover. Natalia’s hands were shaking as she pulled out the shirt from the back of the closet. The shirt was absolutely average in every way, except for the letters above the right breast pocket. _CDR Hill_

 

Her wife had never actually been her wife. The Black Widow had let herself get seduced by someone with a fake name. She told herself embarrassment was the reason she hadn’t reported it to her superiors

 

 

Maria told herself she shouldn’t feel embarrassed. Natalia Romanova was the very best, and Maria was only human, it was no wonder she had been caught in the black widow’s net. Oh how she hated it though.

 

She didn’t hate Natalia, Natalia was a professional just doing her job, which just happened to be spy on Maria Hill. She hated how much time she had given the spy, how she had told herself she loved her, how she had turned down dangerous mission to make sure she would come home. Most of all she hated that she hadn’t noticed for a second.

 

There was a small army of agents ready in the wings, when Maria came home. This was their best shot at catching the Black Widow off-guard. Still, Hill was the one leading the operation, and she wanted an opportunity to confront her wife.

 

It was sentimental she knew, and unlikely to result in anything good. But hearing Natalie tell her, she had never been more than a job, would make the sadness easier to deal with

 

Now made aware of her wife’s real identity, the deceit seemed obvious. Natalia walked on egg shells around her, watching her every move. When Maria tried to make small talk, she was met with awkward and carefully worded sentences.

 

 

They cooked together in silence, like they had done so many nights before, except this time Natalia was hyper aware of Maria’s body language. How her eyes followed Natalia’s hands when she was holding a knife, and how Maria made sure to always be near an exit.

 

Normally they would eat huddled together, not always talking, but definitely looking deep into each others eyes. Natalia was already missing the intimacy.

 

She knew what she was supposed to do, her hand was already on the pistol beneath the table. With a bit of luck, she could put a bullet between Maria’s eyes without her ever noticing, she wouldn’t have to feel any pain.

 

Did Hill really deserve that though? She had played with her emotions, manipulated her, and worst of all, made her believe she could ever feel love. Perhaps Maria wasn’t deserving of a quick death.

 

“I know who you are.” She hadn’t meant for it to come out strangled, she just wanted Maria to know, before she killed her.

 

Maria snorted. “I should certainly hope so, seeing as you’ve been spying on me for the last 4 years.” Natalia had never heard Maria use that tone with her before.

 

“I think there’s something you misunderstood darling, I’m not the one who’s been spying, I learned about your double life less than 12 hours ago.” Natalia stood up and towered over her still sitting wife.

 

“You expect me to believe that? That we just happen to bump into each other, and the day we get a decent picture of you, is the day you realize I’m S.H.I.E.L.D.?” Maria stood up and pushed Natalia back.

 

“Oh trust me, if I had known earlier, you would already be dead.” The pistol was still in Natalia’s hand, Hill was unarmed, all she had to do was lift her arm and pull the trigger. She had done it 100 of times before.

 

“Okay.” Maria backed down and showed Natalia her hands.

 

“Okay what?” Natalia didn’t let go of the gun, she didn’t move at all.

 

“Okay, I’m trusting you. By sheer coincidence we met 4 years ago and fell in love, what happens next.” Natalia deflated.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

 

Fury looked like he had drunk a whole bottle of lemon juice, when Maria came walking in to the triskellion late that night with the black widow in tow.

 

She was cautious, but not in any way restrained. Maria didn’t look injured, neither did any of the agents flanking them.

 

“Commander Hill, mind telling me what the hell is going on, and why a fugitive from justice is casually strolling about my base.”

 

“Certainly director Fury, my wife is here to negotiate the terms of her surrender, and potentially future employment possibilities amongst our ranks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are very much appreciated, and feel free to come by my tumblr (http://offbrand-valk.tumblr.com/) and yell at me.


	10. You're still here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Post Apocalyptic AU thing, truth be told I don't think its a very good story, and I only really posted it here for the sake of having ALL my finished 1-shots in one place.

By post apocalyptic standards the aegis bazaar was the Ritz, considering what the pentagonal building had been before the war, it was a dumpster.

 

Natasha had come here for a simple reason, information, 153 years after the 3rd world war, she was still practicing the craft that had been taught her in the shadows of the first.

 

The aegis bazaar was technically just a district of the city of New Virginia, in reality the only reason the city had grown so large was because of Berg and her crew kept the cash flowing and the law obeyed.

 

Had Natasha bothered to interest herself in politics over the last 100 odd years, she might have remarked upon the peculiarity of publicly decrying slavery, while having guests led to your private box, by a scantily clad woman wearing a dog collar. 

 

As it were, Natasha didn't think it worth the hassle, If Berg felt electric lights and clean moonshine weren’t showy enough on their own, then it was her own problem. Natasha knew to pick her battle, and the raider queen was too big a fish for her to fry at the moment. Besides Berg kept the peace, which was more than most leaders she had met after the war could claim.

 

It took a moment for recognition to dawn upon the Black Widow, truth be told she wasn’t entirely sure she hadn't finally begun seeing things.

 

There sitting on a chair/throne, overlooking the fanciest bar in post apocalyptic America. Wearing a dress shirt that looked recently ironed, a S.H.I.E.L.D. beret, and jewelry made from human bones inlaid with gems, sat Maria Hill, with a half naked girl no older than 20 on her lap.

 

“I guess i shouldn't be surprised.” Natasha stated while she sat down opposite the raider queen.

 

“Whatever do you mean Natasha?” Maria answered, idly playing with the woman on her lap’s hair.

 

“S.H.I.E.L.D. did mention trying to replicate the serum I was given, didn't think they'd succeeded.” While she spoke, the woman on Maria's lap got up, and walked over to the cabinet swaying her hips much more than necessary.

 

“So it is you Black Widow. You look older than last time we met.” The woman, Hill’s slave, walked back carrying a bottle of what Natasha severely doubted was grey goose. Without any encouragement, she poured clear liquid into 2 glasses, 1 for Natasha, and 1 for Maria.

 

The last time they met, had been in a bunker 500 meters beneath sea level, in an undisclosed location outside Montclair. That had been 2 weeks before DEFCON 0.

 

Natasha looked at her reflection in the polished steel table. She hadn't aged, not physically atleast. Something about the way she kept herself had changed.

 

Her hair was now always kept in a messy braid, and she only bothered to cut it when she began being able to sit on it. At which point she usually just hacked it all off with her combat knife. Because of her infrequent access to washing facilities, her hair had also lost most of its shine, going from a raging forest fire red, to a muted and muddy orange.

 

Her outfit was also a far cry from the slender catsuits of her past. Cargo pants, thermal underwear, and ponchos were the new black. She still carried 2 pistols, one of them was the same model as the ones she was assigned at S.H.I.E.L.D. (albeit much more worn). The other was a messy and loud, post-war revolver, that could fire just about every size round, but none of them accurately. They were also accompanied by a high caliber rifle, these days it was more important than her marks died, than they did so quietly. 

 

She’d always lived a spartan life, but having to be able to fit it all inside a bag still took some getting used to. Even if her life really just was: a sleeping bag, some medicinal supplies, a spare shirt, a few odds and ends, and a parka for when she went further north. 

 

Natasha realized she’d gotten lost in thought, it was a bad habit she had started to pick up over the last 30 years. Maria didn’t seem to mind, she was sipping her moonshine, looking out over her bazaar/kingdom, enjoying the quiet, and letting her pet woman play with the fur-rim of her jacket.

 

Before the war Natasha and Maria had had something… It wasn’t love, not sex either, just a mutual understanding. A form of trust that reached beyond what either of them could ever have expected in their line of work.

 

Natasha had grieved Maria a long time ago, had grieved them all. Steve was the only 1 she hadn’t grieved. She refused to believe Captain America wasn’t out there somewhere fighting the good fight.

 

“So is this?” Natasha wasn’t entirely sure how to formulate her thoughts. What she wanted to know was whether Maria was still doing the right thing, she couldn’t find a way to ask that, so she settled for just waving vaguely in the direction of the slave girl.

 

“I don’t think either me, you, or Kid Nari here have any illusions about our relationships if that’s what you’re asking.” Maria’s tone was deadly serious, devoid of all emotions, it was the same tone she’d used during briefing, when she wanted to ensure unruly agents (like Natasha) that the gravity of the situation sunk in. That was all Natasha needed to know.

 

Maria gave her the information free of charge, “for auld lang syne”.

 

Without people in her back, Natasha had, been forced to learn how to be her own moral compass. It was a hard skill to master, and she wasn’t sure she’d gotten it down yet. She told herself she picked her marks carefully, that every life she took, saved 2 other. But good intentions rarely paid for food, and ammunition, and sometimes the punishment didn’t fit the crime, if the bounty was high enough.

 

Natasha only hoped Maria took the same precautions. Maria was good at planning, good at playing the long game. 

 

Natasha just hoped she hadn’t lost herself trying to build a better future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are not only appreciated, they're cherished. Also, my tumblr is still http://offbrand-valk.tumblr.com/ if you want to pop by and tell me how much you hated this fic.


	11. Check for Cavities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I felt like writing fluff, so here's 2 short fluff drabbles in 1 chapter

**Cavity warning**

The rain was hammering down on her, like some higher power was trying to talk Natasha out of her plan.

It didn't matter, it was going to take more than a bit of bad weather to stop the Black Widow.

Especially when she had spent as long studying her target as she had with this one.

It was probably wrong to think of Maria as a target, but Natasha was new at this.

 

Maybe she should reconsider...

The weather was kind of a mood killer and she had already spent so long planning this, it wouldn't hurt to spend a few more days getting it right.

No, it had to be now, that kind of thinking was the reason she had spent years keeping her feelings on the inside.

 

"Hey, Maria!" Okay it was now or never, no going back now.

Oh god she was so pretty in her S.H.I.E.L.D. issued raincoat that couldn't keep her hair entirely dry.

"Romanoff, what can I do for you." Who gave Maria the right to have such a cute smile?

It was just the right amount of rugged, to brighten Natasha's day every time she was blessed by it.

And she should really stop staring at Maria's lips and start talking.

She was the Black Widow, men, women and everything in between would kill for her to even look at them, this should not be difficult for her.

"I, uhm, Kurva! I had this all planned out and now I can't remember a word I was going to say, or my notes or anything."

Maybe she could play it off as a joke?! Then they could laugh about how Natasha thought Maria might ever be interested in her.

 

Now Maria was looking at her with those intense eyes, that always made her heart skip a beat (or several).

"I'm gonna go out on a limb here Romanoff, and then you can deck me if I misread the situation."

 

With that Maria placed her hands on Natasha's face, and pulled her into a kiss.

Maria Hill was kissing her!

Maria Hill was kissing her in the rain!!!

She had died and gone to heaven, there was no other explanation.

Maria's lips were so soft, and tasted like spring, and fit perfectly together with Natasha's.

She could stay like that.

 

After a few seconds Maria tried to pull away.

Natasha grabbed the lapels of her coat, and pulled her closer.

Their lips parted for each other, their tongues didn't battle they danced.

 

Eventually they broke their lip-lock.

The rain had almost stopped and Natasha breathlessly said: "No I'd say you read the situation right."

Maria chuckled and kissed her forehead.

 

* * *

 

 

Maria and Natasha had slept together, more in the traditional sense, than the explicit sense.

The explicit sense of the phrase had very much been in the card when they planned the night.

However once they got most of their clothes off, they realized they were really more in the mood for cuddling.

So they had spent an hour in Maria's bed drinking cheap wine, and listening to the sounds of the apartment complex before eventually falling asleep.

 

Now it was morning and as much as she wanted to get up and get going.

She had a very sleepy, very content Natasha Romanoff spooning her.

Maria did not have the heart to break that off just yet.

Instead she snuggled further into Natasha's arms, making the Black Widow purr into her hair.

 

After 20 more minutes Maria was starting to get restless, Though Natasha seemed unaffected.

"Nat I wanna get up, I need coffee." She dramatically whined.

"No one's stopping you solnyshko." The redhead smirked, her arms and legs firmly wrapped around Maria's upper body.

 

Never one to shy away from a challenge, and fully expecting Natasha to use Black Widow magic to keep her in bed, she sat up.

Natasha followed, her arms around Maria's neck, and her head resting on them.

So Maria stood up, and began walking towards the kitchen.

Natasha clung to her back, like some overly affectionate, super-spy koala.

Natasha wasn't really _that_ heavy, that or all those hours in the S.H.I.E.L.D. gym had been good for something after all.

When she began fiddling with the coffee machine, Natasha softly hummed "make me a cup too."

Maria chuckled. "Are you going to drink it back there?"

"Do you doubt that I could do it?"

"No, I'm just curious if it wouldn't be easier for you to climb down?"

Natasha gave her a tight squeeze.

"I need to make sure you don't disappear on me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to hit me up on tumblr at https://offbrand-valk.tumblr.com/ if you wanna ramble or yell at me?


	12. Maria Rokossoff knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of the Rokossoffs, set 4 years after part 1, and this time told from the perspective of Jessica Kwan, closeted lesbian disaster, and Yelena's first girlfriend

Jessica Kwan was sort of the queen Golden Ridge High.

Or at the very least the class of 2020.

She was captain of the cheerleading team, had good grades, and was dating the quarterback.

 

Jess was also fascinated by another girl in her class.

Not in the lesbian sense or anything, Jess wasn't a homophobe, and she was sure she could still be friends with Yelena if she happened to like girls, Jess just knew that she herself wasn't a lesbian.

She just really admired Yelena, for her grace, and her attitude, and those muscular thighs Jess had once dreamt about being choked by.

Besides, when someone had hair that smooth, it was only natural to want to run your fingers through it right?

 

Jess and Yelena had basically never talked in the 2 years they'd had classes together.

To be fair, Yelena didn't really talk to anyone, except when teachers asked her a question. And her answers were always sort of weird, like she was answering to a general, and afraid they wouldn't like what she said.

Junior year had just begun, and the cheerleading squad was starving for some real talent.

Real talent that Jess knew, from 2 years of admiring during gym classes, that Yelena had.

Fuck, Yelena did ballet, Jess wished she was good enough to do ballet.

Basically, the team needed Yelena on it, no the school needed Yelena on the team!

It was Jess's duty to the school to befriend Yelena and make sure she got on the team.

They would have to spend a lot of long evenings and night practicing, which would be super fun, and Jess couldn't wait.

 

First of all she needed to sit down during lunch next to Yelena, which was pretty scary...

Because Yelena was so cool of course, and maybe she didn't want to talk to Jess, or thought she was disgusting and annoying.

Turned out her very reasonable fears didn't matter, she hit it off instantly with Yelena.

She almost forgot to ask her to the trials.

 

That Friday they went to the mall, just the 2 of them, Yelena and Jess.

They held hands the whole time, Jess was the one to reach out, but Yelena never let go, so it was both their fault.

Really it was Yelena's stupid hand's fault, they were so soft and warm, and they just fit so perfectly together with Jess's own.

When they had to split, Jessica's heart was beating, and she spent the evening feeling everything and nothing all at once.

 

Half way through next week, and Yelena was sitting at the cheerleader table after having wowed everyone at the tryouts.

She still didn't talk much, Jess was starting to learn that didn't mean she was uncomfortable.

Yelena listened, and observed, and then once in a while she said something super clever.

 

* * *

 

 

Getting to know Yelena was difficult beyond belief.

When Jess asked where she had been before GRH, she answered: "Different places, nowhere for long, most of them Russia".

That was the least vague answer she could get out of her about her life.

Yelena was like a baked Alaska warm on the outside, but ice cold in the middle.

She would scream and cheer about shows and clothes her friends liked, then when you asked her what she thought, she would freeze up, and avoid the question.

It took some getting used to.

 

Jess parents didn't like Yelena, they thought she was too loud, and probably the reason Jess math grades were slipping.

Jess knew that was BS, 1) math was soooo boring, 2) Yelena had never gotten less than an A in anything, and 3) Mr. Peterson fucking hated her for being born Asian without a calculator in her brain.

Jess's house had been the place to meet for cheerleaders as long as Jess had been on the team, and Taylor was way noisier!

How could anyone even dislike Yelena? She was perfect from her clear blue eyes, to her adorable accent.

 

Anyways, one day Yelena invited Jess to come see her house, and Jess spent the rest of the day screaming through a thick cloud of excitement and absolute, gut wrenching terror.

 

On the outside, the Rokossoff house looked like any other, minus the huge Rottweiler lying in wait on the lawn.

As soon as Jess touched the gate, it got up and stormed towards the gate, ready to tear her arm out of its socket.

"Brat! Vnis!"  Yelena yelled authoritatively, before turning to Jess.

"I am sorry, Brat, he is very protective of me, of the family."

Brat ("No, _Brat_ say it like you are the villain of a spy movie") followed them into the house, never more than 5 steps away from Yelena, but made no further attempts on Jess's life.

 

The house was... sort of everything Jess had expected.

It was big, and homely, and safe, and somehow utterly normal.

If you disregarded the little black cat, that glared daggers at her, and which Brat was absolutely terrified of.

Her mom used to be a marine, and it showed, she had short brown hair, tan skin, and the arms of an action hero.

Jess did not know moms were allowed to wear tank tops, or disassemble a rifle in 15 seconds. No mom should ever be that hot, it was just too much.

Ava, her sister was the most adorable 12-year-old Jess had ever seen, especially since she was trying to act cool.

 

Speaking of adorable, Yelena's other mom was a head and a half shorter than her wife, making them look amazingly cute standing next to each other.

Wait... Yelena's other mom?

Yelena had 2 mom, and they were together, as wives, in love and marriage.

They were gay ("actually we're both bi, but a rose by any other name right")! Could people be gay and still be happy and in love and live together?

Of course she knew all of those things were possible, she had just never thought about it.

Seeing it in real life touched something within Jess.

Because she was just so happy to see how far lgbtq rights had gotten you know.

 

Seeing Yelena's home inspired Jess to a really nice daydream.

She imagined her and Yelena sharing a small apartment.

Just the 2 of them living together as spinsters, because they couldn't find any boys worthy of their time, except Brat who looked out for them.

The apartment wasn't big enough to fit 2 separate beds in, so they had to share a single big bed.

Which was actually a good thing, cause that way they could cuddle whenever they wanted to.

That wasn't weird! Girlfriends did that all the time!

Girl friends, not girlfriends of course! Because Jess was straight, and Yelena wasn't sure what she was.

 

 Chad had been whining about her not paying attention to him.

It was so annoying, like: "Yeah Chad I'm not paying attention to you all the time, because this is 2022, and I have a life outside of men, also didn't your name use to be Brad?"

Because he apparently really wanted Jess to break up with him, he decided to call Yelena a bunch of shit then take a swing at her.

Since Yelena was a perfect badass (with a perfect ass), she threw him into the lockers, and knocked 2 of his teeth out.

He was lucky she didn't also break his arm, had Jess been that cool, she would have!

 

Yelena's moms were called, and Natasha showed up to put the fear of god into the principal for calling it anything but self-defense.

Then she took Yelena and Jess out for ice cream.

They talked at length about how Yelena felt about having to protect herself, Jess was there for emotional support.

She had never seen Yelena like that before, so much besides herself.

She held unto Jess's hand like a life saver through a storm.

 

* * *

 

 

It was on the first night of the nationals that Jess started to question just how straight she really was.

Yelena had failed one of her jumps miserably and broken a leg, Jess had screamed and cried.

She spent the rest of the day feeling miserable, and worrying about Yelena. The moment they were done for the day, she rushed to the hospital, beating the rest of the squad there by 15 minutes.

Yelena was already fighting with the doctor about getting to go back to the squad the very next day, her tendency to completely ignore injuries always sort of scared Jess.

"I've wanted to ask for a long time, why do you call yourself Jess? Jessica is such a beautiful name, I wouldn't want to waste a letter." Was the first thing she said after Jess had said hello.

And just like that Jessica's entire life changed on a dime.

She didn't tell Yelena, just kept it on the inside.

 

Actually Jessica didn't tell anyone for several weeks, just kept trucking, hoping she could stay friends with Yelena forever.

She tried looking at lesbian porn and was immediately traumatized.

The smart thing would be to talk to either Maria or Natasha about it.

Ever since they had told her to call them if she accidentally (or "accidentally") got drunk or took drugs at a party, so they could help her without telling her parents, they had become her "spare aunts".

Besides they were experienced queers, they could tell her what she was supposed to do next.

Instead she tried to watch lesbian porn again, and sort of managed to have a good time.

Honestly she got way more out of watching Samira Wiley movies.

 

On the first day of summer vacation, Yelena went on a camping trip with Natasha. She wouldn't say where, or when she would be back, only that there was a slight chance she might die.

Jessica wasn't sure whether she was being serious, or just secretive because she knew it annoyed her, either way the summer felt way longer without her.

In that time she came by Yelena's house a lot, Maria was more or less always working, and Jessica was more than happy to "babysit" Ava. Not that she really needed babysitting, the 12-year-old was honestly better at being an adult than Jessica.

 

Eventually she pulled herself together enough to have _the talk_ with Maria.

It came as much as a shock to Maria as the sun rising in the morning.

Maria was so smart about that sort of stuff, she knew exactly how Jessica felt, all the shame, and fear of disappointing the family.

And she also knew just what to say, she kept telling Jessica to take her time, and never feel like she had to tell anyone, and that even though she had never kissed a girl her sexuality was still valid.

Maria also told Jess that if the worst came to pass, and her parents disowned her, then she of course had a place to sleep in the Rokossoff house for as long as she needed.

 

Jessica was pretty sure it was a mistake to tell Maria about her crush on Yelena, but she did it anyways, just to get it off her chest.

Maria wouldn't tell her if Yelena felt the same, just that she needed to take it slow, because Yelena still had a lot of stuff to work through before she would be ready for a relationship.

 

As a final recommendation, Maria told her about the wonders of erotica and the "for women" section of porn sites.

That knowledge resulted in Jessica spending way too much of her summer vacation cooped up in her room while her family and friends were outside living their lives.

 

* * *

 

 

Yelena came back 2 weeks into senior years, her lip was busted, she had a butterfly closure on her eyebrow, and 7 stitches in her leg.

She was also perpetually overjoyed, and even though she kept telling Jessica she was waiting for the right time to tell her how she had spent her vacation, the pure enthusiasm was contagious.

 

They picked up right where they left off before the summer. Yelena, Jessica and Brat against Golden Ridge High.

Jessica's parents started to accept that Yelena wasn't going anywhere, Yelena's parents taught Jessica how to use and maintain a handgun.

And Jessica only had 2 or 3 (definitely no more than 5) wet dreams starring Yelena.

One time they even all had a big dinner together, and Jessica's dad only said something accidentally homophobic to Natasha and Maria once!

 

Jessica couldn't tell if they had become more touchy over the summer, or if she was just more aware of it now.

One thing was for certain, neither of them wanted to stop.

 

It was on one of their, by that point weekly sleepovers that Yelena turned to Jessica.

"I have a big secret, but I'm not sure if I should tell you." She said and suddenly Jessica could barely hear from all the blood rushing through her ears.

"Please tell me 'Lena, you know I can keep a secret." Jessica was pretty sure that was the truth, she had kept her sexuality a secret to everyone (including herself) for almost 17 years after all.

"Yes, I just... fear you will hate me for this, or hate me for not saying sooner." Jessica suddenly needed to hug Yelena, and not just because she hoped it would calm her heartbeat down.

She really hoped she knew where Yelena was going.

 

She didn't, boy had she not known where Yelena was going.

Natasha was the Black Widow, and Yelena was training to be her replacement.

It was a shock, like a huge shock, just also one of those shocks where, once you'd had a moment to digest it, it actually explained a lot.

 

Yelena also tried to tell her about her time in the red room, but all they managed was a lot of crying and hugging from both of them.

Jessica didn't see Natasha come in, suddenly she was just there rubbing Yelena's back, and making cooing sounds, whilst a tray of hot chocolate had appeared on the night stand.

It took a lot of ugly tears, hugs, and choking, before Jessica got something that resembled the full story.

She kept telling Yelena it really wasn't necessary, and Yelena kept insisting it was.

 

Afterwards they cheered up by watching disney channel movies in bed, and trying to cook popcorn on widowbites. Something Yelena insisted she didn't approve of, and yet did anyways.

They even let Brat into the bed, though he didn't get to stay for long before Liho chased him out to demand cuddles of her own.

 

Jessica sensed that the night was winding down, and she still had a secret burning in the back of her throat.

If she didn't tell Yelena now, she would keep it inside forever, Jessica just knew!

"Yelena I... You told me a big secret, and it doesn't feel right that I keep this to myself after that."

Yelena shuffled over, and rested her chin on Jessica's shoulder. "Anything you want, I'm not going anywhere."

Jessica took a deep breath, their faces were so close, her heart was going a million miles an hour and her skin was burning. "I'm in love with you Yelena... Romantically... uhm, sexually... I want to kiss you!"

In the days that followed Yelena would tease her relentlessly about what she thought could be misunderstood by "I'm in love with you", but in that moment she just leaned forward ever so slightly, and placed a kiss on the Vietnamese girl's lips.

 "I thought it was just me."

 

They kissed again.

And again, and again, growing bolder each time.

Until Jessica's hand snuck its way under Yelena's night shirt.

"Is this okay?" She remembered to ask, her hand just shy of Yelena's breast.

"With you, always!"

 

When Jessica woke up naked, and tangled together with an equally naked Yelena Belova Romanoff-Hill, her first thought was "I'm thirsty."

Not exactly a romantic first thought on the morning after losing her virginity, but it could be worse. Her thirst she could ignore to stay where she was.

At least in favor of a very different thirst, when she realized Yelena, her girlfriend, was playing with her hair and looking at her with adoring eyes.

"I could stay like this forever." Jessica said in what she hoped was a sultry voice.

"I have to pee." Yelena stated matter-of-fact-like, kissed Jessica's forehead, got out of bed, stopped, turned around and kissed Jessica deeply on the mouth, and rushed to the bathroom grabbing a hoodie and sweatpants on the way.

Jessica got slowly dressed, making sure to keep the door closed all the way.

When Yelena came back to put on underwear and a t-shirt, Jessica wasted no time in snatching her girlfriend's hoodie off the floor to wear as her own.

It smelled just like her.

 

As they left Yelena's bedroom properly this time, they found 2 full water bottles waiting for them outside the door, they looked like they had been all night, but neither Yelena or Jessica remembered putting them there.

Maria was waiting for them in the kitchen with freshly made blueberry pancakes.

She gave them just enough time to settle down and start eating, before she dropped the bomb.

"So girls... I'm super happy that you found each other and everything, but the walls of this house: not as thick as you might think."

Jessica choked and Yelena let out an equal parts shocked and mortified "MOM!"

"Anyways, for entirely unrelated reasons, me and Nat have decided to take Ava on a trip to that engineering museum she's been wanting to see. I just have to briefly scar you for life with a briefing on safe sex between women, and then we'll be on our way, so you can get back to _watching movies_ in your room." Maria even did the finger quotes thing.


	13. Sweet, stupid love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a couple of drabbles, written based on prompts send to me on my tumblr (offbrand_valk.tumblr.com)

_Nametag shenanigans_

If Maria had to rate the things she hated, "attending formal functions" would be a clear number 1.

If she then had to rate formal functions based on how much she hated them, "those organized by Tony Stark and his associates" would be the definitive winner.

So in short, Maria would rather be pretty much anywhere but here, wearing a name tag that read "Maria Fucking Hill".

Yes that included bleeding out in a dessert a million miles from home (at least then her tag would include her actual middle name).

 

Her only relief was the presence of her wife, but something told her that relief was short lived.

Natasha had taken one look at Maria's nametag and disappeared to god only knows where.

Needless to say, Maria's shenanigans detector was burning red, which most likely meant a headache for her.

 

A minute later Natasha reappeared looking very pleased with herself, and took Maria's hand.

"Why didn't I think of that!" Stark exclaimed from across the dancefloor.

Maria traced Stark's line of sight to find out what form her newest migraine had taken, only to find it focused on Natasha's chest.

"Well there's a surprise to absolutely no one." was her first thought.

Her second thought (Natasha was her wife, she was allowed a second, and third glance for the matter) was realizing that her wife's nametag had been tampered with.

The cardboard strip that read "Natasha 'The Black Widow' Romanoff" had been pulled out of the nametag and replaced with a piece of paper with Natasha's elegant handwriting.

The tag now read "Fucking Maria Hill", and it took all of Maria's willpower not to giggle like a schoolgirl upon reading it.

 

 

_I love you... as a friend!_

"Maria, I, I love you."

This was definitely the scariest thing she had ever done, no questions about it.

Considering how many times she had declared her undying love for one person or another, she figured she ought to be able to transfer that experience to the real deal.

Unfortunately, that was not the case, since all her plans about getting the mood right, and prepared speeches had gone down the drain. To be replaced by 5 solid minutes of stammering and mumbling, that only ended when a very concerned and slightly impatient Maria had asked her to get to the point already.

 

That same Maria was now spending an awful lot of time processing what Natasha had just told her.

She should really have reacted by now...

Happiness? Disgust? Anger? Confusion? Anything that wasn't the human equivalent of a frozen screen.

Her face was changing, she was about to respond!

Oh no, that did not look like a good response!

She had to back up somehow, save what parts of their friendship she could!

 

"As a friend!" Smooth Natasha, real smooth.

Maria was chuckling, right yes, chuckling was good, that was a happy response.

Even if it did feel bad to have Maria chuckle at her feelings.

Wait a second. "Why are you laughing?"

 

"You're usually a lot better at lying than this."

"Yeah well, I'm not used to being in love okay." So much for conceal don't feel.

"I didn't expect you to reciprocate my feelings, what happened to love is for children?" Oh gosh, play it cool, play it cool, slow steady breaths.

 

"I guess, I grew up."

"So... coffee?"

"Considering my blood pressure right now, how about some herbal tea instead?"

 

 

_Something off my chest_

They were alone in Natasha apartment, like just about every other time they were on leave.

No one to disturb them but the devils sooty sister Liho, who was contently purring away in the kitchen sink.

Really Maria should just go for it and get it over with.

 

"Natasha, there's something I need to get off my chest."

Her sort-of-roommate looked up from her tablet, with a Cheshire grin on her face.

"Is it your shirt?"

All the tension left Maria in a long giggling wheeze.

"Please say yes." Natasha pleaded, while Maria struggled to catch her breath.

 

"God Nat I was trying to put my feelings out there, why did you have to make me laugh? Now I've lost my train of thoughts."

Natasha stood up and walked towards her, with what Maria considered a lethal amount of sway in her hips. "Because I knew what you were going to say, and I feel the same."

Maria's jaw dropped for just a moment. "How did you?... Right superspy."

Natasha chuckled and sat down in Maria's lap. "So about things you need to get off your chest." The Black Widow was already fidgeting with the buttons on Maria's flannel shirt.

Maria saw absolutely no problems with that proposition and leant her head back to let Natasha kiss her.

Even though it did pain her to have to look momentarily away from Natasha's chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to drop by my tumblr if you wanna yell at me, or have prompts or stuff :)


	14. Blackhill week 2018 day 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the prompt: Secret relationships
> 
> For those wondering, yes i am Barry Taylor levels of bad at sticking to the prompt, just wait until someone asks me to write hurt/comfort and I end up writing a coffee shop AU

"Maria Christina Hill-" Natasha said, fumbling just the slightest bit with the rings in her pocket.

"Yes, Natasha Alianovna Romanoff?" Maria replied with a shit eating grin.

"Oh for." Natasha briefly contemplated getting up to violently chuck one of the rings at her girlfriend, fucking Hill and her aversion to romance. "Will you marry me?"

 

Maria's grin immediately dropped when she realized her plan had failed. Then she begun mumbling and choking on air, having for once in her life not accounted for all possible scenarios.

"I can stay like this all night if I need to Masha." Natasha hid her amusement behind a single raised eyebrow. There would be plenty of time for teasing once Hill had just gotten over herself and said yes.

Wait, was Hill crying?

Yep those were definitely tears in her eyes, and now she was choking! Was she going to need abdominal thrusts? Now she was laughing too! What the hell was happening? This was more emotions than Maria had ever shown in public before combined!

Okay now Maria was hugging her, and she hadn't stopped doing that crying/laughing thing. "Yes! Yes Nat of course I'll marry you."

It took Nat a moment to register Maria's words, mostly because she was listening out for something about tax benefits.

 

**GAL PALS FOR LIFE**

_We've all joked about it, but last night the Black Widow made good of her threats to marry her bff Maria Hill when she couldn't find a man. It was at the assistant director of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s 35th birthday, the Black Widow humorously offered up her hand in marriage to save her from the life of a spinster._

_The pair are rarely seen in public without each other, and neither the rumors of Natasha's many sordid affairs, or Maria's close bond with the one and only Captain America has seemingly been able to drive a wedge between them._

_We certainly think this is a step up after Natasha's ill-fated relationship with Bruce Banner (seriously, what were they thinking?), but we still can't help but feel that Maria may be giving up her chance at Stark's iron heart a bit too quickly._

_Though this is certainly one way to resolve the joint custody issue of Liho – the couple's Instagram famous cat which sources within the avengers have described as: "a bit mischievous"; "cute, fuzzy, and murderous"; "Teeny tiny steeped in evil"; "Violent to the point of absurdity"; "The devil's sooty sister"; and "The thing Thanos checks for under his bed"._

_Either way we just want to congratulate the "couple" for standing up for girls everywhere and showing that you don't need a man to be strong. #friendshipgoals_


	15. Cruel and unusual torture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 3 of blackhill week, yes i originally skipped out on this, but I couldn't think of something interesting to write for day 7, so instead, here's some catent (like content but with cats)

The safehouse was officially _safe_. no bugs, no suspicious cars parked nearby, guns lying within easy reach, and wound bandaged. Natasha could finally relax for a bit.

 

Not a minute later her phone vibrated, and Natasha cursed not having thrown some salt over her shoulder.

_By the way, Liho came home last night, and since then she's been sitting and staring expectantly at the front door._

Natasha spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to decode what secret message the text was trying to convey before she looked at the sender. Hill using a secured channel to bring her updates about their cat could only mean she would get to go home soon.

_Also, Nyberg was recently spotted crossing the border into Sokovia, so you'll have to stay a while longer._

Or that she was trying to soften the impact of having to spend another 3 weeks living out of an unheated basement and eating nothing but MRE's, and the oiliest chebureki known to man (Sokovian food stalls had a problem).

She texted back a "message received" and went to bed. Catching a Danish weapons smuggler with powerful friends would be a lot easier once she'd had 3-4 hours of sleep.

 

Having learned from experience, when Maria texted her 3 days later, after Nyberg was safely in S.H.I.E.L.D. custody sans a few teeth, she was fully prepared for another POI randomly having decided to hide out in the same remote corner of eastern Europe as she was currently stuck in.

_Liho has now taken to walking around the tower for at least an hour every day, I think she's looking for you._

That was neither cute nor encouraging! It was really sad, and now Natasha missed Liho even more that before.

_What's your game Hill?_

_To talk you into using your web to get you home tonight instead of by the end of the month_

_No dice, I've stuck it out this long, you and Liho will just have to wait_

_Did I mention she won't sleep anywhere except on your leather jacket, and that she whimpers while she does it?_

Natasha picked up the phone and dialed a number from memory. "Anatoly, remember that favor you owe me for getting Sergei out of Siberia? How quickly can you get your plane to northern Sokovia?"


	16. The knitting circle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Blackhill/Shoot/Batwoman crossover nobody asked for, but I'm weak for strong butch women who can and will benchpress me

A bored black widow was a force to reckon with.

Natasha respected Maria's right to privacy and all that, but Maria hadn't explicitly told her not to spy on them, just that she wasn't invited. To most people that would seem like a technicality, but Maria knew the difference between those 2.

It wasn't like it was some big secret what Maria's knitting circle was, the codename was really just an in-joke between a bunch of vets with questionable humor. Natasha had a pretty good idea of what they would be doing and she didn't really feel like she was missing out.

Which brought her full circle back to her boredom.

 

The bar was exactly the kind of place Nat had figured Hill would go on her own. Lots of hardwood surfaces and non-pretentious craft beers, somehow even the air smelled butch.

Hill was sharing a table with 2 equally buff women, one was somehow even taller than Maria and had red hair that was cut to less than half a centimeters length; the other was a lot shorter, but more than made up for it with her casually murderous glare.

Natasha found a shady spot way in the back, avoiding the piss poor camera coverage with ease.

 

"Look Kane, all I'm saying is, maybe it's time you suppress that cop kink, and find yourself a nice assassin to settle down with like the rest of us." Maria's tone was unmistakably teasing, and Nat couldn't help but chuckle from her spot in the shadows.

"I do not have a cop kink Hill, I met Maggie through Renee and that's why both my exes were cops. Back me up here Shaw." The redhead waved her arms defensively.

"My vote is still with Julia for tax-purposes, works every time." The shorter woman said with a shrug and went back to her beer.

Natasha stopped listening at that moment when she noticed another figure looking at the group from the other end of the bar. A moment later Natasha recognized her, drew her pistol and began moving through the light crowd.

 

She was 3 steps from the woman pretending to check her phone when she stepped in view of a camera across the street. The woman dropped her phone, grabbed her gun and spun around on the spot.

"Root." Natasha said, rolling on the r in a sickeningly sweet manner, and subtly pointing the gun against the hacker's chest.

"Natasha." Root said like she was greeting an old friend, instead of someone she only truly knew by reputation. Her gun was still only half raised, and the Machine was helpfully informing her that the odds of a confrontation ending in her favor was exactly 8.21% (increasing to 33.17% if Shaw could come to her aid before the first round was fired). Accepting she was outclassed, Root slowly put the gun back in her purse behind her, never breaking eye contact with Natasha as she did so.

"Care to tell me why you're hungrily eyeing 3 ex-servicewomen out for drinks?" Natasha said, glaring down on the assassin with all her might.

"I could ask you the same." Root said with a chuckle, she hadn't actually noticed the Black Widow, but The Machine had put 2 and 2 together, and it had Root worried.

"You could, but it might not be your safest option." Natasha glanced meaningfully to the gun in her hand and back at Root.

"Who's to say I'm not here for personal reasons Natasha? This seems like a good place to find a hookup with chiseled forearms and a taste for rare meat." Root was a good liar, excellent even, however Natasha was the very best.

 

"Ladies! you're both pretty." came a voice from behind them, and if Nat hadn't recognized Hill's sleazy douchebro impression, she would have dropped whoever it was on the spot.

Shaw moved in between Natasha and Root, looked her up and down once, then nodded her approval. "Love you too Sameen." Root said with a cutesy little wave.

Kate stuck her head out to say: "See, this is the reason I don't date assassins, way too intense." before going back to throwing beer nuts into her mouth.

Hill and Shaw looked back and forth between their wives, to make sure neither was reaching for a hidden knife or something. "You guys wanna join us for another round?" Hill said, whilst Shaw glared in disapproval at Natasha.

"Not really my scene." Root was the first to speak.

"Mine neither, I feel like any moment a brawl is gonna start over brands of protein powder." Natasha added as she tucked away her gun.

"You wanna go for mani-pedis? I know this place a few blocks from here." Root said with a genuine smile.

"Sounds great." And then they walked off arm in arm as if nothing had happened.


	17. Flying Maria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This and the next fic was originally posted, but because uni was kicking my ass at the time, i sorta forgot to crosspost them here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those not in the know [Flying Jacob](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Jacob) is a downright horrifying swedish chicken casserole which once you hear about, makes you incapable of ever becoming psychologically whole again, yet some people absolutely swear by.

"No, Hill, you know I will endure the world for you but this is where I draw the line." Natasha said, and briefly considered pulling a gun on her wife.  
"Natasha, the decision is made, nothing you do can or will stop me." Maria tried pushing past her, but was stopped by the shorter woman's stronger arms.  
"Masha, please, I know these days are tough but I'm begging you, this is not a healthy coping mechanism." If she didn't fear Maria would vault over her, Natasha would have fallen to her knees.  
"No it's not, It's dinner!"

A lot of things happened in very short order next.  
Maria moved in for a teasing peck on Natasha's lips, which in turn made Natasha freeze on the spot to savor the moment, exactly according to Maria's plan. The latina surged forward, flinging her groceries over her wife, before rushing past her into the kitchen and slamming the door behind her.  
Natasha came to her senses as she heard the lock on the kitchen door click. She assessed the situation as she started moving. Then next thing she knew she was out on the fire escape.   
Maria however had a head start, and Natasha pulled herself up by the ledge beneath the kitchen window just in time to see Maria duct-tape it closed.

Still hanging from a windowsill 30 meters in the air, Natasha smushed her face against the window and sent Maria her biggest puppy dog eyes.  
Her wife just kept casually ignoring her. No matter how hard she whimpered and pouted, Maria just kept mixing whipped cream with spiced ketchup, and pulling rotisserie chicken.  
When she started attracting an audience she casually swung back inside someone could call the fire brigade. Then she went to mope on the couch, though not without giving the door a swift, solid kick, on the off chance her wife had unlocked it.

After another 25 agonizing minutes Maria finally left the kitchen, carrying a tray full of abominable Swedish discomfort food. It somehow managed to look even worse than Natasha had imagined.  
"I'm not eating that." Natasha had to put her foot down somewhere!  
"C'mon sweetie, I promise it's a lot better than it sounds." Maria pleaded, very careful not to let Natasha get close enough to kick the tray out of her hands.  
"FUCK YOU!"  
"Sure... After you've tried my flying Jacob."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill, go to https://offbrand-valk.tumblr.com/ to fist-fight me at 2:30 am outside a 7-eleven for bringing the knowledge of the forbidden casserole into your life.


	18. Monster Dong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hey! You wanna buy some _memes_?
> 
> (Can be read as Natasha being trans, or just having a terrible sense of humor - or both, the choice is yours)

As far as Natasha was concerned, Maria Hill was simultaneously the smartest, and dumbest person she had ever met.   
She knew every law and loophole in 12 different countries, and could micromanage 500 different agents without breaking a sweat. However, when it came to realizing she was being flirted with, not even a brick to the head with the words "I'm flirting with you" carved on the side would do the trick – Natasha had tried.  
By now Natasha had just accepted that Maria was forever going to be the one that got away, and decided to just have fun with the whole thing.

Natasha's newest attempt required an oversized condom. Which had turned out to be a lot harder to get a hold of than you would expect, since "large" in condom producer meant "small" to the rest of the world, and what Natasha needed was flat out novelty size.  
She had of course succeeded, and a Friday night debrief where everyone except her and Maria had hurried to clear up and get home, presented the perfect opportunity.

Natasha very obviously stuck her hand in her pocket, pulled out the condom, and threw it on the floor before loudly exclaiming. "Oh oops, I dropped my magnum condom for my monster dong!"  
Maria send her an unimpressed glare, as Natasha bend """sexily""" forward to pick it back up. "Romanoff, don't take this the wrong way, but I've seen you in a catsuit, there is no way in hell you're hiding a monster dong in there." She couldn't help giggling ever so slightly at Natasha's word choice.  
With practiced ease, Natasha made a neutral yet sultry pout. "What if I told you I'm just naturally very good at tucking."  
Natasha's heart definitely didn't skip a beat when Maria did her usual I-find-this-amusing-but-not-enough-to-let-down-my-guard snort. "Then I would tell you the polite thing to do would be to inform Steven Strange that you're taking over as Sorcerer Supreme, cause that suit does not leave a lot to imagination."

They picked up their things in almost perfect synchrony and walked side by side towards the elevator.  
"Have you spent a lot of time imagining what's inside of my catsuit Hill?" Natasha said with an exaggerated eye waggle, and mentally high-fived herself for thinking of two terrible flirts in one night.  
Maria blushed (blushed!) as she spoke. "I mean one does wonder..." She stopped dead in her tracks as a long neglected neuron suddenly fired. "Wait... Did you just flirt with me?"  
"Have been for the last 2 years, but thanks for finally noticing." Natasha laughed as she kept walking.  
"Bullshit!" Maria wasn't great at handling being told she'd missed the obvious.  
"I'm sorry." Natasha said and turned around to face her. "Does: You're the most important person in my life and I'm romantically attracted to you. Mean something else in Chicago?"  
"I thought you were just being friendly!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For more bad content go to https://offbrand-valk.tumblr.com/


	19. Eight Thousand Identical Shirts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on the prompt "Clothes shopping"

"Masha, I love you, but no."

"Nat, I love you, but yes."

Their impromptu Mexican standoff lasted for several seconds before Natasha gave up outstubborning Hardass-Hill and tried to defend her case instead.

"Maria, you have 5 t-shirts just like it at home, same color and everything."

"I do not, you're just being dramatic because of my efficient fashion sense."

Natasha decided to give it a rest for the time being, at least once they were back home she would have the evidence to support her statement.

 

Or so she thought.

"No you see this one is navy blue, whereas the one I bought today is more of a royal blue." Maria explained while gesturing to the eight (!) practically identical t-shirts laid out on the bed.

"So is that one!" Natasha loudly pointed out and moved another t-shirt a bit further down the bed next to her girlfriend's newest purchase.

"Yeah but that one's got a soft V-neck." Natasha send an unimpressed look from Maria, down to the eight t-shirts all with V-necks back to Maria.

 "This new one has a medium V-neck!" Maria yelled defensively.

"Ai blyat!" Natasha exclaimed and promptly banged her head against the nearest wooden surface hard enough to leave a mark.

 

"Oh come on Nat, it's not that bad... is it?" Maria said, trying to sound diplomatic, even though she still wasn't sure what the big deal was.

"I mean, not really, except when it comes to dark blue t-shirts, and beige ones, and green shirts." Natasha said and rubbed her forehead. "Though you do kinda have a comfort zone myshka."

Maria was going to protest, then she mulled it over for a second in her head and realized. "I kinda do, don't I?"

To which Natasha hummed aggressively in agreement.

 

* * *

 

"Having second thoughts Masha?" The words were said in a teasing tone, but the worry behind was genuine.

"Not enough to stop me." And that was all there was to say about, Natasha knew when her girlfriend's mind was made up, and dutifully handed the clothes over the door to the changing room.

 

"So... what do you think." Maria wasn't sure how she felt on the matter, so she deferred to expert opinions.

"I think an overgrown bottle of Arizona Iced Tea has never looked sexier." Natasha very rarely tried to censor herself in the presence of her girlfriend, and that really was her first thought upon seeing Maria in a turquoise, flower patterned, summer dress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was kinda all over the place, but i hope you enjoyed it nonetheless

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come by my tumblr (http://offbrand-valk.tumblr.com/) and yell at me.


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